This has been a fascinating few days in a way that would be great to study in someone else, in me…in myself…not so much.
I struggle with what is important to add as I wait for Tuesday’s results…how do I say what I feel without being melodramatic or what I’ve thought without being simply clinical because I seem to swing back and forth between those two extremes.
I find myself calculating odds: if I have a 1 in 2 chance because of this factor and a 2 in 3 chance because of that factor and again a 1 in 2 chance because of yet another factor… well, it’s a foolish exercise. There’s a 1 in 2 chance that a flipped coin will be heads and yet you can flip 15 tails in a row without invalidating statistical accuracy.
I find myself asking people questions like this one: “if you knew with absolute certainty you’d die within 5 years what would you be sure you got to do?” The answers I received were so vastly different, ranging from the purely emotional to the most straight-laced financially-sound suggestions this side of E.F. Hutton (hey, they weren’t indicted for anything unseemly, we’re they?). My own response included this response – I wanted to create a piece of art that would be a lasting artistic legacy; create something that would be uniquely expressive of who I am and what I stand for, what and whom I love.
As I plan the upcoming week, preparing for my clients, I take comfort in the routine and in the idea of preparing for future events, close as they may be (see, melodrama keeps seeping in; even a positive biopsy for prostate cancer is unlikely to dictate my demise anytime soon at all).
I have found no answers as I’ve researched my possible paths for positive or negative biopsy results, only more questions.
I suspect that I’ll look back on these entries with more than a modicum of embarrassment someday, possibly very soon for that matter but I do know that they still honestly represent where I find myself right now as I ponder what it means to face death, what it means to face life and what it means to recognize that each day we live with them both.
I’m going to go hug my wife and cats now. Catch you later.