When I started writing entries about having prostate cancer I decided to add a category called “cancer” and as I tag my posts with “cancer” and “life balance” I’m struck by how those are now linked for me. Some of my friends (and family) would like me to simply go about my daily life and not give so much energy and thought to cancer but I’m not having much luck with that right now. Today, for the first time since I was diagnosed (on March 12th of this year) I actually went through my morning wake up rituals and even got almost 5 miles into my Sunday trail run in the Oakland Hills before I even considered the word cancer – I’ll take that as progress.
I’ve been angry that my runs have become a threesome – me, all sorts of thoughts careening around inside my head, and cancer – there have even been some runs where I think I was trying to outrun it. Kind of like a cartoon character with something pinned to its tail.
Today I thought about just running forever…sort of like Gump only never stopping. I know, it’s not possible, I know, but the thought appealed to me so much.
Here’s where I really get my mind wrapped up in knots – I know several people with cancer who are facing far more difficult prognoses than I – not by say, a bit, but by a LOT. I feel like a coward when I think of them, when I think of their strength.
So I think for today I will ask the universe for strength – strength of spirit. I personally don’t believe the universe owes me a damn thing, nor do I believe it to be benevolent OR malevolent – it just is what it is. Nevertheless, I do believe that the very act of asking for what we need in our lives starts the wheels rolling and I want to get the hell out of this rut I’m in.