I’ve made no secret over the years that I am a survivor of child abuse…wait, let’s update that a bit…I am a thriver in spite of child abuse…yeah, that’s more like it.

For those of you who have never had to deal with this particular form of grief, let me say that despite years of therapy, self-examination, emotional and spiritual growth, there is no guarantee that the effects of that abuse will never be felt again. I was going to use the word “resurface” but decided against it. The reality is, for me – and all I can really state here are my own feelings, thoughts, and experiences – is that I wanted to deny that some 60 or so years later, I can still have any of this resurface, because that means it simply did not go away, that it’s still part of me in some fashion. Well, I can’t deny it. But then again, there’s a huge difference between being affected by and being controlled by; while the former is still true, the latter most certainly is not. But, let me explain why this topic has come up now.

As I sat in meditation the other day, I was imagining what it’s going to be like when the COVID-19 pandemic restrictions are lifted in my area. I had imagined envisioning a time of freedom and social closeness once again, after months of isolation. I began with a beautiful vision of a bright, warm day, people walking about, smiling, shaking hands, hugging one another as if we were at one huge family reunion…and then I felt the warmth of the sun on my face dissipate as a cold dread squeezed my heart. I was confused; what was this feeling, and what did it mean?

I was “mid-hug” when I heard the sneeze and felt the person I was hugging shrug, I mean, it was no big deal, right? And then there was a cough, another person coughed into the crook of their elbow and then hugged someone else…it was a scene out of a horror movie now. I could see germs flying through the air as they were expelled by one person and breathed in by another. It was my own personal reenactment of scenes from the 1995 movie “Outbreak”!

So, here I am, sitting in meditation and feeling my chest tighten and a hole starting to excavate my gut…I opened my eyes and said “stop…STOP!” I had allowed my mind to conflate both my present fear of the unknown (the risk of infection) and the all too real issues of physical intimacy evoked by my memory of abuse, creating the “perfect” monster.

So, there I sat, wondering if I would ever again be comfortable with as simple a gesture as a hug or a handshake, without fearing what dangers might lurk behind it.

I can say, without  doubt, there are certainly worse places to be when I want to…no, need to…get grounded and centered again, than a meditation cushion in the safety of my own home. So, I did what I always do when confronted by fears, doubts, anxiety, and memories I’d gladly expunge if I could…I went back into meditation and realigned myself with the truth of who I am, how I have progressed beyond that frightened child, and brought my consciousness back from the past that will never again be, back from a future which has not even occurred, to the now, to the truth of this moment.

No, I can’t change the past.

No, I don’t know what the future holds.

But I do know that I am strong, resilient,  a thriver, and I am not alone in all this. The picture that accompanies this post  says it all; there are those of you who understand what I’m relating, and I find great comfort in that knowledge. I can only hope that you can also take comfort in the knowledge that I am here for you as well. If you need someone to just listen to what’s going on for you, to allow you to be truly heard, and understood,  I’m here. Feel free to comment on this post or write to me privately by email or in Facebook Messenger.

Yes, I am strong.

Yes, you are strong.

Together, we are stronger.